KEY TAKEAWAY
Utilise a 5 column approach to protect yourself, focusing on actions instead of promises or expectations
"I still love them... I'm just tired of getting my hopes up and ending up disappointed again."
Its understandable.
You keep extending the benefit of the doubt, believing things will be different this time... and every letdown cuts a little deeper.
Eventually, resentment starts to build.
Here's what actually helps:
Trust The Pattern, Not The Person
Identify clearly the pattern behind what’s really happening instead of getting pulled back into hope on the basis of assumptions or false conclusions.
Writing it down makes the pattern unmistakable:
Column 1: Promise that was made
What they said they would do/change (e.g. "I'll go to my meeting on Monday")
Column 2: What actually happened
The outcome, not what was said, but what followed e.g. didn't attend meeting, didn't answer their phone). Keep it factual.
Column 3: How it made me feel
One word or short phrase (e.g. disappointed, anxious, confused)
Column 4: What I need to see before I trust again
Specific, consistent behaviours over time - not words (e.g. weekly attendance at meetings for 3+ months)
Column 5: What I'll do next time
What you will do differently next time to protect your wellbeing, regardless of their choices (e.g. limit contact, seek support)
Measure Weekly, Not Daily:
- Did their actions match their words this week?
- How many times did they follow through on specific commitments they made? (e.g. calls, appointments). Be specific, and realistic.
- Did I set or maintain at least one boundary this week?
Progress will be messy and imperfect, that's completely normal.
Now, let's be realistic.
After you enforce these new standards and start responding differently, it's possible they'll react with anger, attempts at guilt-tripping, or defensiveness.
We need to expect a reaction when we reset boundaries and make it clear that the old behaviours, will no longer be accepted. This is normal.
***
Disappointment and resentment don’t fade overnight, and won’t fade if trust keeps being rebuilt on blind hope, instead of changes in behaviour we can see, hear, and feel.
But when words and actions start to line up in a steady, repeatable way, trust has a chance to rebuild on stable foundations.
Real healing begins when what they do, matches what they say.
Take care of yourself.
