KEY TAKEAWAY
Long-term coping around addiction suppresses emotions; identify triggers, trace roots, and safely practice authenticity.
'I'm fine'. It's fine. Everything's fine...
You've spent so long holding yourself together, through the chaos of their addiction.
In public... at work, at family dinners, in the school car park.
Eventually, it became automatic.
Is this just... who you are now?
Over time, a pattern developed. A belief that it's not safe to show real feelings... that keeping it together is the only way to be accepted.
But, the pattern can be unlearned.
How It Works, And How To Fix It
Here's how the pattern happens, from a therapist's perspective:
Situation: Living with or loving someone in addiction, over an extended period.
Pattern: 'Showing how I really feel, is unsafe. They won't approve of me. They might reject me, or leave altogether.' (emotional inhibition).
Automatic Thought: 'If I let this show, it's too dangerous.'
Emotions: Helplessness, grief that feels unexplainable.
Behaviour: 'Performing normal' in all areas of life; in order to be accepted.
Result: Feeling disconnected from our own truth; feeling disingenuous. We can't even tell, ourselves, when we're masking vs when we're being truly honest.
Here's How To Resolve The Pattern:
Step 1: Identify Triggers
In the course of daily life helping your loved one in addiction, what trigger situations mean you always act out this pattern.
Step 2: Find Where The Pattern Started
Was this pattern something you were already doing, before caring for their addiction, became central in your life?
Hint: Usually, this is a yes.
Emotional inhibition doesn't normally start with the crisis happening right now.
It has roots much earlier, in a family system where certain feelings weren't safe or welcome.
The current situation just acts as a trigger, to set the old pattern off.
Step 3: Pick One Situation, Get Your Feet Wet, And Watch What Happens
Pick one low-risk situation and dial down the masking, consciously. This will take effort.
The goal here is to simply acknowledge, that in a low-risk situation, you showed *more* of your true feelings, once, and nothing fatal happened. Everyone lived.
I've seen people start with something as small as saying 'I've had a hard week' and leaving it there; not explaining, not softening it.
Afterwards, how do you feel? Do you feel even a little more genuine? Was your need to be accepted, still met? Was the worst possible consequence, avoided?
Did showing just a little of your true feelings, work?
Step 4:
Continue this experimental work, trialling different approaches. Write down what you notice works better, or worse.
i.e. What other creative approaches to this trigger situation, would allow you to get BOTH:
(i) your needs met (acceptance, love) AND
(ii) continue managing day to day life supporting them through addiction, as you do now
e.g.
- What if you explained things in a different way, to before? e.g. tonality, phrasing, timing, etc
- What if you explained your real feelings, AND your good underlying intentions behind them, to make them more understandable, for your loved one?
Sometimes, you might emotionally spike them, accidentally, if you unknowingly threaten their access to their coping substance of choice.
Remember, it's the only way they know how to cope.
But with practice, you should begin to emotionally separate their reaction, from the feelings you share.
And realise...that their reaction, was NEVER about your acceptability, or worth, or value.
But their own internal conclusions, their past, and how all of it affects their ability to cope with life.
Let's be honest - this will take work, and effort, over time, but it's worth it.
Let me know how you get on.
