KEY TAKEAWAY
Their addiction stems from many factors beyond your control.
"If I'd done things differently, this wouldn't be happening..."
It feels like a reasonable thought.
When someone you love is suffering in addiction, it’s natural to search for a reason.
But is that reason really you?
Let's look at what actually happened in the outside world...
***
What Did You Actually See?
You saw changes in them. They were less talkative. More reactive. Home later than usual. More detached in conversation.
But, there’s a difference between what happened in the outside world, and the conclusions you arrived at, about you.
One is observable reality that we can point to, in the outside world.
The other is interpretation.
***
Substance Use = Coping Mechanism
Addictive behaviour has many possible causes, including:
- Genetic vulnerabilities that existed long before you
- Trauma, grief, and trigger situations unrelated to your relationship with them
- Peer groups, environments, or social pressures that shaped their choices
- Emotional lack of belonging, acceptance or love, that happened a long time ago, but get retriggered constantly
*** Often, substances become a way to cope with something internal that felt unmanageable.
And almost all of these, are based upon an individual's interpretation of events.
Is it clear now that "This is my fault..." is only one interpretation of the changes you saw in them?
Pause for a moment and ask yourself:
*What do I actually know - for certain - about why this happened?*
*What do I know - for sure - about what the events that led to their addiction, meant about me?
If the answer is "Nothing" - you are correct.
***
What You CAN Hold Onto
You are not the cause of this.
You do not need to convince yourself that you handled everything perfectly...
The conclusions you formed about yourself, in error, came from trying to make sense of painful and confusing consequences of their addiction — not from what was objectively there, in the environment.
Their addiction was shaped by many factors that were never within your control.
Hope it helps.
