KEY TAKEAWAY
Recovery starts when your needs matter as much as theirs.
Dear Diary,
Today, I found myself wondering the same thing again:
How much longer can I carry this? How many more years can I live with this kind of heartbreak?
I love them so much it frightens me.
But I'm beginning to see that the same love keeping me here is also taking a toll on me.
Last week, my sister asked me something that stopped me in my tracks:
"Are you waiting for them to change, or are you waiting until it breaks you?"
I didn't have an answer.
Some days, I tell myself I'm being strong.
Most days, I'm just tired.
For years, I've believed there were only two options: stay or leave. Keep fighting for them, or walk away from it.
But recently, I've realised there's another path.
It's not about choosing between staying and leaving.
It's about deciding what I need in order to survive and stay well, regardless of what they choose.
Instead of asking, "Should I stay or should I go?" I've started asking, "What do I need right now?"
The answer isn't always the same.
Some weeks, it's therapy.
Other times, it's leaning on people who understand.
Or maybe it's reminding myself that their crisis doesn't have to become mine.
Today, it's as simple as an afternoon where I don't think about them at all.
I'm starting to understand that my recovery matters too...
My life doesn't have to stay on hold while I wait for them to change.
I don't need to decide the future today.
And I don't need to know whether I'll be here forever or whether one day I'll choose a different path.
But, what I can do is honour what I need right now.
The uncertainty may still be there.
The heartache may still be there.
But, if I can learn to care for myself while caring about them, then at least I'm no longer losing myself in the process.
And maybe that's where hope begins... not in changing them, but in remembering that I matter too.
