KEY TAKEAWAY
Establishing boundaries hits the reset button on expectations, helping you look after a loved one AND yourself. Here's how:
Broken furniture.
Stolen money.
House turned upside down in the search for...who knows what.
A scene that’s been played out too many times.
In response to chaos like this, we tend to prioritise safety.
It's easy (and natural) to ""go inward"" and protect yourself by:
But, let's think about this. What message is it sending?
By adapting your needs or behaviour *around* their addiction, can you see that you may be indirectly... giving them permission to continue?
And when the threat of physical harm and stolen resources is all too real, it's time to send a different message: that we will no longer be part of the problem of addiction:
The 2 Step Boundaries Method
Now, some realism: establishing, and upholding boundaries over time, is never easy.
Especially where they've slipped massively until now.
But like everything in life - short term pain will be rewarded with long term gain.
1) Establish any inter-dependent needs YOU have with your loved one - and get them met NOW...in other ways.
Later, you will be expecting some form of ignoring, going in a huff, anger, resentment, or other reaction, so let’s plan for your own emotional comfort in advance.
List, in order of importance to you, the needs you get met from this person, in whatever way, no matter how small.
If you had no contact with this person for a while, what would be absent in your life?
What needs of yours do they fulfil? Be honest. The dependence is not just one-way.
Now, think creatively, and deliberately set up other ways to get these needs met, no matter how unconventional.
Different friend groups, external support groups, coaching, therapy, or...whatever is needed. Whatever you need to do, that is appropriate for your situation.
Setting this up now will make the plaster much easier to pull off later.
2) Reset Expectations
Managing relationships is all about managing expectations.
(i) Set Expectations Using Big Frames
Your changing ability to do x, y, or z, for someone else is not a result of your inflated me-time but a contributor to:
(ii) Do Normal Things At Odd Times
You are sending a message here, with your behaviour, “things are changing” “I’m no longer the person I was before”.
Any break from the norm is good. Mix it up.
(iii) In Your Agreements, Be Hesitant
When you agree to help out or take something on, be hesitant, even when sure on the inside.
Making a habit of “let me think about it” or “I’ll get back to you” will encourage others to check the importance of their requests, before asking in future.
(iv) In Your Refusals, Be General
You don’t need to be rude. “I’m sorry, I’m unable to do that” said in the right way, will not attract further questions.
There’s no need for further elaboration or justification. You are as worthy of your time & attention as anyone else.
(v) Be Consistent
This is key. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be consistent when setting new rules.
Do NOT make exceptions.
Does doing any of these things mean you don’t love or care for this person, or that your intentions are bad? Of course not.
The thing is, others have become used to your ways of being, and it hasn't worked. So you need to change it.
Will it be uncomfortable? Probably.
Will you reclaim your own time, life, space, and freedom? (and be able to help them better...)
Absolutely.
Can you see how this could help, when you're struggling to:
Let me know how you get on.
Hope it helps.
