This fear is almost universal.
I think all of us carry a kind of low-level dread that something terrible might happen, and that somehow, it will have been our fault, for not doing more.
But... It's based on a misunderstanding of how recovery truly begins and how this pattern developed in us.
We Cannot Control Or Cure It
As family members:
...And a loved one's readiness to change comes from an internal shift that happens within them, not us.
No amount of effort from outside of them, can manufacture that moment.
So how did we develop this false dread?
The Guilt Loop — An Origin Story
Under stress, it's easy to run a loop:
This usually comes from a pattern earlier in life - when sacrificing our own needs and prioritising others', helped us "survive" or "be acceptable" in some way (gaining parents' love/avoiding rejection...you get the idea).
What started as a childhood attempt to gain favour, stayed with us, because it "worked" back then.
It got maintained over time, across different situations, and now, later in life, we start to take too much responsibility for others.
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We mistakenly think that over-compensating in this way worked back then, so why wouldn't it work now?
The problem is, this becomes a loop that can only end with:
OK Genius, How Do I Fix This?
Of course, we need to retain reasonable concern for anyone we care about, especially family. This goes without saying.
But we also need to break the illusion that working ourselves to exhaustion is useful. It's just not.
When that original decision was made to prioritise others' needs... back then, there was a situation at that time.
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Is that situation, in which that decision was made, really representative of what is going on now, in this current situation with your loved one?
Can you honestly say that this current situation truly matches the circumstances, needs, and seriousness of what was happening back then? Or are they two different situations?
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Is it possible that this past pattern of over-helping came from a situation where that reaction was relevant - but that reaction is no longer relevant now, in this current situation?
Is it possible that this old compensation mechanism is no longer useful?
Separate Your Actions From Outcome
Whilst your small actions may explain some minor saving graces in the many difficult situations with your loved one, can you honestly say that your small actions, which have caused you so much stress and grief to put in place, have caused them to make significant internal shifts?
Your efforts are always well-intended and worthy of recognition, but is it possible you're doing too much?
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Having healthy care and concern is normal.
But trying to do it for them exhausts us... and it simply doesn't work.
Your loved one has to want their own sobriety, in their own time.
We can't do it for them. No matter how much we want to.
Hope it helps.
