How To Deal With An Alcoholic Parent

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How To Deal With An Alcoholic Parent

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KEY TAKEAWAYS

To deal with an alcoholic parent:

Establish clear boundaries
Avoid arguments and take care of self
Stop enabling behaviours preventing the alcoholic parent from experiencing consequences of the addiction [1]

What Is Useful When Dealing With An Alcoholic Parent

Use External Relationships To Cope With An Alcoholic Parent

External relationships help to cope with an alcohol-addicted parent by:

Reminding the child that the parent's addiction is not the child's fault
Sharing actionable advice and mutual support
Building a routine and social life
Learning healthy coping mechanisms to use inside the home environment with the alcohol addict [2]

Setting Boundaries To Cope With An Alcoholic Parent

Setting boundaries builds the child's self-esteem by determining what behaviour from the alcoholic parent will and will not be tolerated by the child.

Boundaries include:

Keeping plans with friends even if the alcohol addict is intoxicated and starts an argument
Avoiding conversation when the alcohol addict is intoxicated
Refusing to buy the alcohol addict alcohol, enforcing the boundary that the child will not be an enabler in the adult's addiction
Refusing to lend the alcohol addict money, reminding the alcohol addict of the consequences of drinking [3]

Prioritising Child's Own Needs To Cope

Prioritising the child's needs is crucial to maintaining a sense of self to effectively cope with a parent, including:

Working with a therapist to process negative beliefs and build self-esteem
Having daily non-negotiables like connecting with friends, journaling, reading, exercise, and cooking nutritious meals
Maintaining an active social life with supportive friendships, including those found at groups like Al-Anon - 94% of Al-Anon members report Al-Anon affects their life "very positively" [4]

Positive And Negative Reinforcement

Positive reinforcement includes:

Giving words of encouragement if the alcohol addict attends a support group or goes to the doctor for help with cutting down drinking
Sitting and listening when the alcohol addict expresses they're experiencing challenges instead of immediately drinking
Praising the alcohol addict for building a routine in sobriety
Giving the alcohol addict a lift to attend meet-ups with friends in sobriety
Financial planning with the drinker to help pay off debts

Negative reinforcement includes:

Withdrawing from the relationship if the alcohol addict misses support group - the alcoholic learns to attend support group if they want their child's support
Hanging up the phone immediately if the alcohol addict has been drinking - the alcoholic learns to make sober calls to the child
Letting the alcohol abuser experience the consequences of phoning their employer to explain work absences
Stopping doing the alcohol addict's food shopping - the alcoholic learns to buy their own food instead of relying on the child
Abandoning a conversation with the alcohol addict if they ask for money - the alcoholic learns to not ask for money

Recovery is not a linear process, but positive reinforcement encourages the alcohol addict to proactively seek recovery, while negative reinforcement encourages the alcohol addict to take responsibility for their own recovery [5].

What Is Detrimental When Dealing With An Alcoholic Parent

Arguments

Arguments are detrimental when coping with a parent because:

The alcohol abuser is actively starting arguments as an excuse to drink, so remaining non-reactive removes that excuse, making it easier to deal with the alcohol addicted parent
Bargaining with the drinker causes the drinker to unconsciously believe that the grown up child can be coerced into agreeing with alcoholism
Arguments can lead to physical and emotional violence. A study from the Netherlands of young people aged 18-30 found that 50% of participants experienced physical and emotional violence from an alcoholic family member, making it impossible to deal with a parent with alcoholism [6]
Arguments contribute to increased anxiety (with 18% of those with an alcoholic family member meeting the diagnostic criteria for serious or very serious anxiety) making it more difficult to deal with a parent with alcoholism [7]

The grown up child of an alcohol addict gains autonomy through not engaging in arguments with the alcohol addict, and choosing to walk away from an argument instead.

Taking Control Of Recovery

Taking control of alcohol recovery is detrimental when coping with a parent because:

The alcohol addict must admit powerlessness over addiction, take responsibility for their drinking, and take responsibility for their recovery if they want to achieve long-term abstinence
The child of the parent with alcoholism must detach from the drinker's recovery - detachment helps the child support the parent in recovery and not micro-manage the alcohol addict's recovery
Attempting to control how much the alcohol addict drinks will not help the addict recover because the alcohol addict may drink in secret or steal more alcohol - the drinker must decide to stop drinking for themselves

Criticism Of The Alcoholic Parent

Criticism of the parent is detrimental because criticism leads to a vicious cycle of criticism and drinking, such as:

The child criticises the parent
The parent drinks because of the criticism from the child
The parent blames the child for causing more drinking
The parent continues to drink, and the child continues to criticise the parent, furthering the cycle of addiction [8]

Co-dependency

A co-dependent relationship with a parent is detrimental because:

Resentment builds between the child and the parent, and resentment makes it harder for the child to deal with the parent
The grown up child of the alcohol addict feels obligated to care for the addict at the expense of their own needs
The alcohol abuser does not take accountability for their own addiction, worsening alcoholism

To stop co-dependent behaviours, the grown up child of the alcohol addict needs to:

Set and maintain boundaries
Be direct and communicate own needs
Be open, honest, and non-judgemental when the alcohol abuser approaches the child
Work with a therapist to process difficult emotions in a safe environment and identify unhealthy relationship patterns [9]

Enabling

Enabling is detrimental when coping with a parent because:

Enabling allows the drinker to be protected from consequences of actions - worsening addiction and making it harder to deal with the drinker
The child of the parent with alcohol addiction may think enabling helps to deal with the parent in the short term, as it makes it easier to be around the alcohol addict, but long-term enabling prevents the drinker from recovering

What Conditions Change How To Deal With An Alcoholic Parent?

Severity Of Alcoholism

The severity of alcoholism changes how to handle dynamics with a parent because:

A drinker early in their addiction may be more defensive and may be harder to deal with than a drinker who has realised that their addiction is unmanageable [10]
An alcohol addict who can see the consequences of their drinking through losing a job, losing their driving license, or needing to drink every day, may be more open to accepting help
If alcoholism is severe, problems with thinking and reasoning caused by alcohol-related dementia prevent the alcohol addict from understanding they need to stop drinking, and the priority for the child becomes the support the alcohol addict needs day-to-day and not longer term goals of recovery [11]

Safety

There are steps to take to protect oneself if an alcohol addict is abusive:

Establish clear boundaries for engaging with the alcohol addict
Make a plan to go and stay with a trusted friend, neighbour, or family member if needed
Do not engage with the drinker if the child suspects the drinker is about to become violent or abusive
Involve authorities if there is a risk of harm [12]

Culture And Society

The widespread culture of blaming alcohol addicts contributes to stigma, affecting the family who has to deal with the drinker:

33% of people worldwide believe alcoholism is not a disease [13]
94.5% worldwide believe someone who abuses alcohol can “get better if they wanted to” [14]
54% of the UK population believes alcohol-dependent individuals are personally to blame for any problems, and are irresponsible and lack self-control [15]

Muslim women (whose religion prohibits alcohol) are more likely to seek treatment for substance abuse where they will not be seen by others in the community, including private counselling and care in remote residential facilities [16].

Those whose religion prohibits alcohol may have more trouble dealing with a family member with alcohol use disorder, with less support in the community.

Finances

28% of drinkers have over $1,000 of credit card debt [17].

The amount of debt that a drinker goes into while waiting for treatment depends on the difference in admission times:

3 weeks is the average waiting time for charity-funded residential rehab [18]
Whereas private clinic admission can happen within 24 hours

If the alcohol addict cannot go to an inpatient rehab, the grown up child will have more responsibility for the alcohol addict's care as the addict detoxes at home.

An NHS home detox involves a detox nurse visiting 4 times a day, for 15mins each visit - outside of this, the child would have to cope with and care for the parent.

Mental Health Issues

Anxiety

Adult children of alcohol abusers are hyper-vigilant, with high levels of anxiety [19].

The alcohol abuser's erratic behaviour is anxiety-provoking, particularly for a child diagnosed with an anxiety disorder which is managed with a consistent daily routine. The drinker's behaviour is difficult to deal with:

Skipping doctor's appointments
Unpredictable mood changes
Sleeping in
Cancelling plans last-minute
Requesting large sums of money at short notice
Vast differences between behaviour before and after drinking

This chaotic home life can cause more anxiety in the child of the drinker, leading to a repetitive cycle:

The child of the alcohol addict feels anxious
The alcohol addict's continued drinking means the child does not feel like the relationship with the parent is emotionally safe
The child's pre-existing anxiety disorder worsens
The cycle repeats

When Dealing With A Parent Suffering With Alcoholism Is MOST Appropriate

The drinker reaches out for help
The drinker asks for support attending GP appointments [20]
The drinker asks about ways to change and is willing to attend AA meetings
The drinker is able to admit to alcoholism - if a drinker in this state is approached, they may be willing to open up when approached even if they are unable to directly ask for help
The drinker is not in denial and is not drinking for a period of time, even just early in the morning - when the drinker is not under the influence of alcohol, they are most aware of the consequences of drinking, and will be most responsive to accepting help [21]
The grown up child is not living with the drinker - there are clear boundaries in the relationship
The grown up child is not co-dependent with the parent, and the parent is not being enabled by the child

When Dealing With A Parent Suffering With Alcoholism Is NOT Appropriate

The drinker denies having a drinking problem and doesn't believe in changing drinking habits
The drinker causes arguments deliberately and refuses to speak to a doctor or professional about drinking
The drinker is not interested in attending AA meetings
The drinker will not admit they are drinking excessively , even if the consequences of their drinking are becoming more obvious
The drinker is drinking throughout the day and is not sober enough to have a conversation about their drinking
The adult child is living with the drinker and doesn't have appropriate boundaries in place
The adult child is co-dependent with or enabling the parent
The drinker is violent and creating an unsafe environment

Resources

Adfam 07442 137421

Charity tackling the negative effects of drugs and alcohol on family members and friends
https://adfam.org.uk/
admin@adfam.org.uk

Al-Anon 0800 0086 811

Support group for anyone affected by someone else's drinking
https://al-anonuk.org.uk
helpline@al-anon.uk.org.uk

Drinkline (The National Alcohol Helpline) 0300 123 1110

Advice and information on alcohol's impacts
https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/alcohol-support-services/

Mind 0300 123 3393

Advice and support for anyone experiencing a mental health problem
https://www.mind.org.uk
info@mind.org.uk

NACOA (National Association of Children of Alcoholics) 0800 358 3456

Information, advice, and support for anyone affected by a parent’s drinking
https://nacoa.org.uk
helpline@nacoa.org.uk

Scottish Families Affected by Alcohol and Drugs 08080 10 10 11

Free and confidential helpline for families and friends of those misusing drugs or alcohol in Scotland
https://www.sfad.org.uk
helpline@sfad.org.uk

References

[1] Rock, Siobhan. ""Living in the Bottle." An exploration of the family system and how it has affected the adult children who have a parent with an alcohol addiction." Éisteach,vol. 17, no. 2. 2017. "One element of codependency is ‘enabling’ which is fixing problems for others and doing so in a way that interferes with growth and responsibility (Bernstein, 2014). There is a greater likelihood for the spouses of individuals with alcohol addiction to have enabling tendencies."
[2] Mind. “Helping Someone with Drug and Alcohol Problems.” Mind Org UK, 2024. “Looking after yourself: Supporting someone else can have a big impact on your own life. By looking after yourself, you might also find it easier to offer support to others. These are some things you can do to help yourself: Talk to someone you trust. It can help to discuss how you feel with someone you trust, such as a friend, family member or counsellor. See our page on how to find a therapist for tips on finding a counsellor to talk to. Join a support group. This might be something you attend in person or online. Or you might be able to call a helpline, to speak to someone over the phone. See our information on organisations who can help you support someone else for details of organisations which offer this service. Try self-care. This could be finding new ways to relax, be creative or spending time in nature. Or it could be taking care of your physical health, or finding ways to improve your sleep. Our page on mental wellbeing has lots of tips for taking care of yourself. If you care for someone with a dual diagnosis of mental health and drug or alcohol problems, you should be able to have a carer’s assessment. This may help you get more practical support with your caring responsibilities.”
[3] Adfam. "Setting and Keeping Boundaries: Adfam website download." Feb. 2021. "Emma’s parents don’t want her to steal from the family again and don’t want to lend her money for drugs. They need to set two boundaries: for Emma not to steal from the family and to not lend Emma money for drugs. The three stages of setting and keeping a boundary: Defining the boundary, Setting the boundary, Keeping the boundary."
[4] Timko, Christine, et al. “Al-Anon Newcomers: Benefits of Continuing Attendance for Six Months.” The American Journal of Drug and Alcohol Abuse, vol. 42, no. 4, Apr. 2016, pp. 441–49. "When asked how being a member of Al-Anon has affected their life, 94% said “very positively.”
[5] Cho, Seung Bin, et al. “Positive and Negative Reinforcement Are Differentially Associated with Alcohol Consumption as a Function of Alcohol Dependence.” Psychology of Addictive Behaviors : Journal of the Society of Psychologists in Addictive Behaviors, vol. 33, no. 1, Feb. 2019, pp. 58–68. “These findings demonstrate the utility of positive and negative reinforcement in understanding individuals’ risk of developing AD and suggest that positive and negative reinforcement may be important targets for effective intervention and prevention efforts.”
[6] Dorine, et al. “Stress and Strain: A Qualitative Study into the Impact of Having Relatives with Addiction Problems on Students’ Health and Daily Lives.” International Journal of Qualitative Studies on Health and Well-Being, vol. 18, no. 1, Taylor & Francis, July 2023. “Emotional violence was common. Half of the participants, mostly women, experienced physical violence. Physical violence was always accompanied by emotional violence, with emotional violence often having more impact.”
[7] Ólafsdóttir, Jóna, et al. “Depression, Anxiety, and Stress from Substance-Use Disorder among Family Members in Iceland.” Nordic Studies on Alcohol and Drugs, vol. 35, no. 3, May 2018, pp. 165–78. “Table 3 shows that more than 18% of participants fulfilled the diagnostic criteria for serious or very serious anxiety.”
[8] Kadden, Ronald M. “Cognitive-Behavioral Approaches to Alcoholism Treatment.” Alcohol Health and Research World, vol. 18, no. 4, 1994, p. 279. “Interventions include training in communication skills, conflict resolution, and problem-solving; breaking the cycle of criticism and recriminations.”
[9] LPC, Meaghan Rice PsyD. “How to Stop Being Codependent: 9 Helpful Tips.” Talkspace, 23 Jan. 2023. “Work with a Therapist: Codependent behaviors are often linked with past trauma. If you’ve been asking yourself how to stop being codependent and you haven’t been able to find an answer on your own, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. A therapist can help you process your feelings and identify unhealthy patterns in your relationships. Over time, either in-person or online therapy can help you: Improve your mental health and awareness; Boost your self-confidence; Express your needs and desires in healthier ways; Trust that you know what you need and can achieve success on your own.”
[10] Ghodse, Hamid. "Living With An Alcoholic." Postgraduate Medical Journal, Oct. 1982. "Broadly these can be described as defensive coping in which the problem is ignored because it cannot be effectively resolved and direct coping, when positive steps are taken to alter the situation. A form of defensive coping is the type of coping behaviour described by Orford et al."
[11] National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. “Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome | National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA).” NIAAA NIH Gov, 2022. “Although some symptoms of Wernicke’s disease such as muscle and vision problems are reversible with prompt thiamine treatment, other symptoms may respond more slowly or may not be completely reversible. Without prompt treatment, Wernicke’s disease can progress to Korsakoff’s psychosis, which is not reversible.”
[12] Scottish Government. "Families Affected by Drug and Alcohol Use in Scotland: A Framework for Holistic Whole Family Approaches and Family Inclusive Practice." Dec. 2021. "acknowledges the requirement for families to receive the bespoke help each individual in the family needs, at the earliest possible stage – from local authority or third sector providers or a blended support package of both."
[13] Kilian, Carolin, et al. “Stigmatization of People with Alcohol Use Disorders: An Updated Systematic Review of Population Studies.” Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research, vol. 45, no. 5, May 2021, pp. 899–911. “Almost 50% agreed, at least to some extent, that ‘alcoholism’ was a disease, while about one-third disagreed and one-fifth neither agreed nor disagreed.”
[14] Kilian, Carolin, et al. “Stigmatization of People with Alcohol Use Disorders: An Updated Systematic Review of Population Studies.” Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research, vol. 45, no. 5, May 2021, pp. 899–911. “With regard to the individuals’ likelihood to ‘get better if they wanted to’ (Subramaniam et al., 2017, Singapore, study #15), the highest approval was observed in vignettes describing a person with alcohol abuse (94.5%).”
[15] Haverfield, Marie C., and Jennifer A. Theiss. “Parent’s Alcoholism Severity and Family Topic Avoidance about Alcohol as Predictors of Perceived Stigma among Adult Children of Alcoholics: Implications for Emotional and Psychological Resilience.” Health Communication, vol. 31, no. 5, Oct. 2015, pp. 606–16. “Research in the United Kingdom found that 54% of the population believes alcohol-dependent individuals are personally to blame for their own problems.”
[16] Arfken, Cynthia, and Sameera Ahmed. “Ten Years of Substance Use Research in Muslim Populations: Where Do We Go from Here? Definition and Extent of Problem Globally.” Journal of Muslim Mental Health ISSN1556-4908, vol. 10, no. 1, 2016. “According to some counselors, American Muslim substance abuse patients, especially women, may seek care where they will not be seen by others in the community. For socioeconomically privileged individuals, it means private counseling or care in remote residential facilities. For those disadvantaged, it means preferring treatment at publicly funded facilities away from their neighborhoods.”
[17] Alcohol Help. “Debt and Alcohol.” Alcohol Help, 14 Nov. 2023. “28% of alcohol users had credit card debt over $1,000.”
[18] Scottish Government. "Pathways into, through and out of Residential Rehabilitation in Scotland: Results from the Residential Rehabilitation Providers Survey." Nov. 2021. "Average waiting times in 2020/21 ranged from less than a week to 9 months following assessment, with a median of 3 weeks, although one facility noted wait times were subject to funding confirmation."
[19] Martin, Sharon. "You Don't Outgrow the Effects of an Alcoholic Parent." Psych Central, June 2016. "ACOAs have high levels of anxiety. Childhood fear and trauma left you in a hyper-vigilant state. You oftensense problems when there aren’t any. Youre on edge, tense, and full of worry."
[20] Mind. Helping Someone with Drug and Alcohol Problems. 2024. “Go to appointments with them, if they would like you to. This may especially help for their first visit.”
[21] NIA NIH GOV. “How to Help Someone You Know Who Drinks Too Much.” National Institute on Aging, 19 July 2022. “Talk about your worries when the person is sober.”

About the author

Harriet Garfoot

Harriet Garfoot BA, MA has an Undergraduate degree in Education Studies and English, and a Master's degree in English Literature, from Bishop Grosseteste University. Harriet writes on stress & mental health, and is a member of the Burney Society. Content reviewed by Laura Morris (Clinical Lead).

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Last Updated: May 30, 2025